The best toilet paper ever

Charmin Extra Strong is the only toilet paper that I'm going to buy from now on. It has the perfect combination of strength and comfort, just like Clint Eastwood in The Bridges of Madison County.

I can never go back to weak regular toilet paper that falls apart with each use. You could use this stuff to dry your car or wallpaper your kitchen.

Why is it so good? Let's see what Charmin's website has to say about it:

Charmin® Extra Strong holds up better than the regular kitten brand to help get your family clean. That’s because it has uniquely woven FlexWeave fibres for extra strength. And it still has the softness you love!

Wait a minute, what does regular kitten brand mean?

kitten \ˈki-tən\, noun
a young cat; also : an immature or young individual of various other small mammals

The bottom of their website states: Claims valid only in Canada. That explains things a bit, like why they wrote fibres instead of fibers. You know, just like Kellogg's Fruit 'n Fibre, a delicious blend of wholewheat flakes packed with your favorite fruits including raisins, coconut, banana, apple and hazelnuts. Your spoon just can't escape the fruit!

So I did some more research, and apparently all toilet paper in Canada is made out of kittens! To citizens of the United States this might seem cruel, but Canadians have a long history of using kittens in a variety of products such as toilet paper, Canadian bacon, and Labatt Blue beer.

That's one of the reasons why Canada's murder rate is so low - they take out their anger on the kittens instead.

The Washlet

The Washlet from ToTo is a toilet seat that claims to make you happier. Their website features pictures of naked butts with smiles painted on them. The owners of these happy butts tell you about the features of this electric water toilet seat in videos on the site.

This might seem like a Saturday Night Live skit, but it's a real product.

Besides having a heated seat and a remote control, these toilet seats have up to five cleansing modes:

• Front Cleanse
• Rear Cleanse
• Pulsating Cleanse
• Soft Cleanse
• Oscillating Cleanse

Some even have an adjustable wand feature that allows you to more finely aim the cleansing spray! When you’re done with your choice of cleansing methods, the warm-air dryer takes care of the rest, with 5 cozy temperature settings.

And all these years I’ve been using toilet paper, like a chump.

Can you get by with only 5 sheets?

There's a new automatic toilet paper dispenser on the market. Kimberly-Clark believes most people will be satisfied with just five sheets of toilet paper, which is 20 percent less than the common US citizen uses per trip to the toilet.

I've taken that a step further by no longer using toilet paper at all. I now only use loose leaf paper, preferably the college-ruled variety.